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Hello everyone, and welcome back to “Crossing the Streams” – the weekly column that travels the ethernet in search of movies that you should check out from the comfort of your couch. I am your guide through the streams, Arthur Gordon, and the Oscar Hype Train keeps rolling with a look at Fifty Shades of Grey which is currently streaming on HBO Go.

The big night is February 28th, and somehow Fifty Shades of Grey can now be referred to as the “Academy Award Nominated Fifty Shades of Grey”… Those darn, dirty apes. It’s one of many eye rolls you’re sure to hear about when The GoodTrash Media family streams our Oscar watch party February 28 starting at 7pm on Twitch.tv.

This week, because I apparently I hate myself, I’m looking at one of 2015’s more controversial main stream movies, Fifty Shades of Grey. Which is adapted from the E.L. James novel of the same title, and is the first in a trilogy of stories. Now, to go even further down the rabbit hole, Fifty Shades was conceived as erotic fan fiction based on the characters in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. The movie tells the story of Anastasia Steele, an academic who is studying literature at Washington State University. Being a good friend, she fills in for her roommate at an interview with the young, billionaire playboy, Christian Grey. Christian is mysterious, Ana falls for him, and soon the two enter into a relationship. Though they are bound together, Ana has a hard time cracking Christian’s shell, try as she may; and soon, she discovers that Christian Grey’s tastes are unlike anything she has ever experienced.

Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years (cliche statement alert!) then you know that Christian Grey is into the BDSM lifestyle. Apparently, either this or the pornographic nature of the books makes people uncomfortable. I’m not sure which they’re more opposed to. The movie, in comparison, is rather tame; and extremely problematic from a thematic standpoint.

But, let’s talk surface level first. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention The Weekend’s “Earned It” which is what earned Fifty Shades of Grey an Academy Award nomination.

I think the song is catchy, it’s a slow jam. The beat is nice, the vocals are good and the lyrics aren’t terrible. The song has a lineage of its own, and I think it stands up apart from the film. In fact, the entire soundtrack is really strong, opening with a great cover from Annie Lennox of “I Put a Spell on You”.

Moving on from there, the direction is fine, but the script is abhorrent. And honestly, there are times where this movie has its tongue planted firmly in cheek and it feels like it’s becoming a satire of the thing it’s adapting. And then, it shoots itself in the foot. I think, at the foundation of this film, there are seeds for a very fascinating character study, a look at society at large, and an avenue for a commentary about film, sex, and society on the whole. However, the film never even comes close to building off of that foundation. Instead, it gives us an extremely hard-to-swallow script that is delivered terribly by Dakota Johnson and friends. I like Dakota Johnson; I’ve seen her in interviews and she is a very sweet and charismatic actress. But, her performance is extremely wooden. Part of me questions whether she was intentionally riffing on Kristen Stewart’s performance in the Twilight series, or if she was just wanting to see how little she had to do to get paid. Jamie Dornan, much like Johnson, appears to phoning it in, but he never gets quite as wooden as her. Really, that’s the whole make-or-break of this film is the relationship between these two. Which ultimately leads to what this film exists for, the sex scenes.

The sex scenes are probably the only thing that anybody working on this film cared about putting work into. And to be fair, the film makers also understood that’s why their audience was coming to see the film. Character, plot, setting – none of that matters here. This is a film that flies in circles and then lands for a few minutes with a sex scene, wash, and repeat. It exists only to titillate without having much else to say. It is a highly problematic film. The relationship between the two characters isn’t healthy. And, I don’t mean the BDSM stuff. Well, the way its presented in the film is problematic from what I understand. Christian Grey is one wrong line away from rapist. He’s already at stalker-nearing-kidnapper status. And for Anastasia to be so caught up in his mystery that she’ll let him do whatever he wants to her is very troubling.

What’s more troubling is that someone would want and desire a man like Christian Grey. The tall, dark, handsome playboy I can understand; but, the demanding stalker makes me very uneasy. And it really bothers me that for Ana to “understand what’s going on inside” Christian Grey she needs him to “do his worst”. No, what she needs is to talk him in to singles or couples therapy. Christian Grey is a mentally unstable character. The things that he does, the actions that he takes, the expectations that he has aren’t realistic. And we do get a bit of his backstory here, and the events that he mentions are things that would give a person some mental and emotional trauma; I would think. And I’m not saying that his desire for BDSM is due to mental trauma. I’m not saying that at all. But, the way he responds to the world, to people, and specifically to Ana is not healthy. I haven’t read the books, so I’m not sure what kind of arch, if any, that Christian Grey takes. But, to see this, without any other knowledge from other sources, it is a very troubling and unsettling story.

Final Decree – 3/10. This isn’t a good movie, but it is kind of fun to watch, sort of like Troll 2. I found myself laughing at, not with, the movie on multiple occasions and would be a prime candidate for some MST3K riffing. Like I said, the content and material that is at the film’s core is very troubling. And, honestly it’s just a badly made film thanks to telegraphed performances and a terrible script. You don’t need to see it. Just scroll back up and check out The Weekend’s “Earned It” and you’ll have caught the best part of the film, and you’ll be even more prepared for Oscar.

Whoops, wrong Oscar. Hey, Thanks for reading! I want to remind everyone that you can keep up with me on Twitter and Letterboxd, as well as the whole GoodTrash Media Network on Facebook and Twitter. If you like what we’re doing, you could  also consider giving via Patreon.