GoodTrash Media

On the eve of his climatic duel with Superman, Batman and his trusty butler, Alfred Pennyworth, make preparations and dissect the character of the Man of Steel.

Batman: Grappling gun?

Alfred: Check.

Batman: Explosive gel?

Alfred: Check.

Batman: Kryptonite?

Alfred: Check. And that should be everything.

Batman: Are we sure that’s everything?

Alfred: I do believe that’s everything. Well, except the shark spray.

Batman: Hm. Maybe I should bring that. I think Aquaman’s supposed to have a cameo or something.

Alfred: Aquaman? I thought it was Cyborg getting the cameo.

Batman: It’s Aquaman. And Cyborg. And The Flash…

Alfred: Christ.

Batman: No, he hasn’t been cast. Yet…

Alfred: …

Batman: Hopefully all these cameos bite into Superman’s screen time, not mine.

Alfred: That’d be a shame. I was hoping we might get more development of his character after Man of Steel. He was a bit shallow in that.

Batman: Oh please, Alfred. You couldn’t fix Superman short of re-writing his whole character. David Goyer can’t write shit, but it wasn’t his fault.

Alfred: I beg your pardon?

Batman: Superman is boring. Everyone knows this. Do I have to write another think piece? People root for me because I’m interesting and he’s not.

Alfred: Don’t get me wrong, Master Bruce, you’re neat and I’m rooting for you. But I think it’s going a bit far to say Superman is boring. Can you be more specific?

Batman: Fine. He’s overpowered and he’s one dimensional. And his costume sucks. Those bright colors are cheesy as hell. Should’ve been left behind in the 70s…

Robin: Hey guys! Do I have a cameo in this movie?

Batman: …

Alfred: I don’t believe so, Master Drake.

Robin: Golly gee willikers. Well, good luck, Bruce! See you around!

Alfred: …

Batman: …

Alfred: You were saying, sir? About Superman?

Batman: He’s overpowered and he’s one dimensional.

Alfred: Explain.

Batman: It’s obvious, isn’t it? The dude is nigh invulnerable and he’s got a ridiculous array of powers. Super strength, super speed, flight, heat vision, super hearing…

Alfred: Freezing breath, memory-wiping, super hypnotism, super ventriloquism…

Batman: Are you sure you’re not a closet Superman fanboy?

Alfred: Sir, I’m the one you assigned to put together his file…

Batman: Oh, that’s right. But you get the point. Where’s the suspense? It’s no fun watching a hero face a villain you know he’s going to crush. At least I use my wits.

Alfred: Superman has super fast thought processing.

Batman: Alright, alright. But at the end of the day, one of us is threatened by gunfire and the other isn’t. And there’s more drama where there’s danger.

Alfred: I don’t disagree with your last statement, but maybe you’re speaking from a position of privilege? Your rogues gallery is formidable, but is it really comparable in deadliness to his? You’re running from gunfire, he’s running from Omega Beams.

Batman: You’ve gotten into this argument before, haven’t you?

Alfred: It’s a popular topic when you live in Gotham City. But my point is he may be a God-like being, but so are a lot of his enemies. It evens out.

Batman: Okay. So maybe I was being simplistic when I said he was overpowered. But I’ll maintain his wide array of highly specific powers is ridiculous, and it doesn’t lend itself to interesting conflict resolution.

Alfred: If I may…

Batman: Hold up. You handed me the octopus spray. I asked for the shark spray.

Alfred: …

Batman: Why are you giving me that look?

Alfred: Oh, forget about it, sir.

Batman: Fine. Anyway, we have yet to touch on the biggest bore about Superman.

Alfred: And that is, sir?

Batman: His personality. The dude’s a boy scout, the ultimate Mary Sue. There’s no ambiguity about him whatsoever.

Alfred: And he’s not deep and conflicted and sulking like you are.

Batman: Exactly.

Alfred: Given your stubborn refusal to sleep at night, Master Bruce, you can be forgiven for sleeping through most of Man of Steel, but…

Batman: Oh, it had nothing to do with lack of sleep, Alfred, I assure you.

Alfred: Fair enough. But if you had endured a bit more, you might’ve noticed one of the few things that film came close to doing well was emphasize Superman’s status as an immigrant, a sort of cosmic refugee. He has plenty excuse to be angsty.

Batman: Huh, I forget he also has dead parents. That’s crucial.

Alfred: Yes… quite. Also, one might interpret Superman’s painful reaction to Kryptonite shards, literal pieces of his home world, as a manifestation of despair at the loss of his heritage.

Batman: Okay, but this doesn’t address my main gripe.

Alfred: No, it doesn’t.

Batman: How can people get behind such a bland do-gooder?

Alfred: Sometimes it isn’t that simple. I have a theory.

Batman: It better not involve red kryptonite.

Alfred: An under-appreciated theme in Superman’s story is the worth of human freedom. He’s regularly confronted with the temptation of totalitarianism and its false promise of security. Since he has the power and the potential to be a super control freak, he’s politically very interesting.

Batman: You’re pulling this out of your ass.

Alfred: I beg to differ. I’m pulling this from the comics. Comic writers have been playing with this dark side of Superman’s for a while now. Red Son… Injustice… There’s even a little bit of this in The Dark Knight Returns.

Batman: That’s the one where I beat him up real badly, right?

Alfred: Indeed.

Batman: You know, I think you might be on to something.

Alfred: Honored to hear you think so, sir.

Batman: Grab my Bat Paintbrush. It’s time to expose this tyrant.